I had this thought towards the beginning of all of this COVID-19 chaos,
wondering about the state of marriages during stay-at-home orders — would husbands and wives lean into this lockdown, giving space and grace to grow together in love? Or would the intensity of time together magnify things they can’t get past? It’s now being reported in countries like China a higher rate of divorce filings post-lockdown.
All that was once was predictable, assumable, and dependable suddenly is not. Under the surface of our souls, we can no longer conveniently escape things we often dismissed or ignored — especially in our own homes. What might previously have been small annoyances or frustrations quickly enlarge when it overlaps with your every moment. For many of us, our daily routines and rhythms now include rubbing shoulders with our spouses at almost every turn (some of you in closer quarters than others!)
Personally, I keep sharing with friends that this intensified time at home together has been the best thing for our marriage. It has forced our hand in being more clear about expectations, communication, and prioritization. In the Lord’s kindness, we have wrestled with what it means to authentically live and love as we believe we’ve been called to. We have worked through conflicting viewpoints and thought processes. We have intentionally thought through our daily rhythms to align with what we say we value. And we’ve turned towards each other in affection and enjoyment much more than we would have otherwise.
What if part of the healing the Lord intends during this time includes our marriages?
What if we need to
stay at home
in order to
stay in love?
I met each family in their front yards and asked the following questions while snapping some pictures of this moment in time (April/May 2020):
In what ways has your spouse made these weeks and months feel lighter?
How has this intensified time at home helped your marriage?
What kinds of things have you noticed about your spouse during this time that has helped you appreciate him/her more?
When the weeks drag and the days are long, how do you help each other hope these days? How have you felt encouraged by your spouse to carry on?
When it’s hard to connect and conflict arises, what have you found to be healing?
What kind of rhythms/patterns/commitments have you started together in quarantine that you hope outlasts this season?
the haagensons
J: “We’ve just never had opportunity to spend so many days together in a row (like this) and I’m not mad about it at all. I can’t relate to people saying, ‘We can’t wait to get some space away from each other,’ because I don’t really feel that way!”
A: “I think (this season) has been a benefit to us in just re-evaluating all areas of life because we’ve had to. Like, is there a reason that we (previously) had something different going on all the time? Now we are thinking through the benefit of scheduling out pause for the sake of our family rather than waiting for whatever is leftover.”
J: “We don’t feel rushed to resolve conflict. Not that we’re not going to (resolve), but it feels like it’s okay that it might take a couple hours to talk through and work through.”
A: “My favorite time is when she is teaching our oldest how to relate to our youngest in a moment of what he needs – how she’s weathering the storm of a toddler towards the younger, helping each moment be impactful. It takes a ton of patience and it’s not easy at all. I appreciate how you see each moment as a teaching moment. You’re not just teaching the kids – you’re teaching me.”
The Samuelsons
H: Other marriages would probably go through the conversations and conflicts we’ve had to have over the course of a year or two – like, everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest. But since we’re together so much right now, in close quarters without much interaction with others, our entire first year seems to be happening right here, right now.
It’s been really helpful because we’ve been discovering more about each other and ourselves – a lot – and I’m really thankful we got married right before all of this because I wouldn’t have really known a lot of what we know now. (This time) has really shown me that I want to do my life with you. It’s a strange time, our jobs are so different, our community is different – and I think about how difficult this would be if we weren’t married yet. I’m really happy I married you.
N: I think we try to remember that, when we are in conflict, instead of it being me vs. her or her vs. me, we’ve recognized that neither of us want to be against each other. Sometimes we’ll be arguing and we’ll walk away for a minute, but when we come back together you can tell we’re disarmed – that means a lot to me, working through stuff. If only one person wants to, it doesn’t work. But we both do – and that allows healing.
The Kings
Ti: The last seven months – the start of it was the biggest storm we’ve ever been through together, so honestly this season seems so calm. It feels like an exhale. It doesn’t seem as big as what we’ve been through.
Ta: I feel like you’ve made everything about these months lighter — just like, processing how weird and how hard it is.
Ti: I think going through conflict (previously) was like, “how fast can we get through this?” But now, we have the time to talk things out more thoroughly than we would’ve before. It’s given us a lot of time to adjust to talking about even the little things that come up — more healthy communication. Even how we start our days, we’re going over what we’d like to do that day. We usually didn’t have to talk through that together because we (previously) had things going on ourselves, but now it’s different.
Ta: We frequently just say how grateful we are for this time. Like, wow, we’re so grateful that we get this – this is probably never going to happen again! Just recognizing it as the gift that it actually is.
